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Text Magnifier. Adjust Font Sizing. Align Center. Adjust Line Height. Align Left. Adjust Letter Spacing. The champagne-glass bathtub loomed.

The walls bore an inexplicable Egyptian motif. There were mirrors on the ceiling over the bed and over the bathtub, and the mirrors were dotted with little lights that could be controlled with a dimmer switch to give a night-sky effect.

While I settled in, locating the pre-ordered Asti Spumante in the mini-fridge and figuring out the purpose of each of the many, many light switches Jacuzzi, steam shower, "celestial" ceiling lights, flattering pink lights pointed at the tub , Neal went to the main lodge to ask the front desk something.

Alone in the room, as I lit the Duraflame log, I heard the muffled cries of a woman screaming in ecstasy through the wall. I told Neal about the sex sounds when he returned.

He appeared crushed, like a birder who arrives just after a rare bird has flown away, and spent the rest of the weekend trying to guess the screamer's identity.

Every time he spied a seemingly mild-mannered woman in the parking lot, he'd whisper, "I bet it's her! On our first morning, we went to the front desk after breakfast and said we were interested in the catch-and-release fishing at Echo Lake, located behind the main lodge.

We were handed two rod-and-reels and a Styrofoam cup containing dirt and a dozen dead worms. We were told that some of the fish in the lake were tagged, and that if we caught one of those, we should bring the tag to the front desk and claim our prize.

We went down to the end of the dock and fumbled through casting. One of the reels didn't seem to be working, so Neal went back to exchange it.

While he was gone, I sat on the bench and looked out at the water. We'd had visually impressive sex in the mirrored bedroom the night before without having to worry about being loud or rushed.

We'd slept well, and then eaten our fill at the breakfast buffet. The day was cold but sunny. I began to feel an unfamiliar feeling: hope.

Suddenly, I felt a tug on my line. I started to turn the handle and my rod began to bend. I reeled faster and soon I was hauling a giant trout out of the water.

No thousand-dollar tag, but it was magnificent. Neal had been walking back toward the lake, and when he saw what was happening he began to run.

For a moment, we stared in astonishment at the fish, which appeared relatively calm, as if it knew the drill. Neal held the fish while I gently removed the hook.

Fishing, Bocce, laser tag, and other summer-camp activities aside, Cove Haven conspires to abet you in having sex. There are no children anywhere.

Stress is kept to a minimum. Dinner is served early last seating at 8 p. The gift shop stocks everything from various genres of porn DVD to an enormous double-ended dildo.

The place is coyly flirtatious and grotesquely blunt—simultaneously Prince Charming and drunk frat boy. Whichever your preference, it is difficult to forget that the reason you go to Pocono Palace is to "reconnect.

The writer Lisa Carver has a classic essay on the topic of sexualists vs. Sensualists, she says, "are into eroticism: stuff that isn't sex but involves the suggestion of sex.

Sexualists just like sex, without the trappings. A sexualist partisan, I have never enjoyed the supposed sensualism of whipped cream, flowers, or Valentine's Day.

I prefer the sexual potential of old cars with bench seats. Pocono Palace certainly caters to the scented-candle sensualist, with the fireplaces and bubble baths, but it also courts the sexualist with the gift-shop porn and far-from-subtle cocktail names, like "The Boner.

Lo collaborator Ja Rule perform at the onsite venues, but generally it's road comics and cover bands. The resort's signature event is the heteronormative game show Sexual Feud— "Guys against the ladies!

The host provides clues like, "Most embarrassing thing that happens in the bedroom," and contestants attempt to guess the top survey answers "premature ejaculation," "farting" with the assistance of guys or ladies in the audience.

We were hanging back, but at one point there was a question about most commonly owned sex toys. Feeling like I should participate, I called out, "vibrator," only to be informed by a couple next to us, "They said dildo already.

Then I recognized the absurdity of starting a fight about sex toy classification, so I ordered another drink and went back to being an observer.

The host asked contestants what they were celebrating, and if the answer wasn't a honeymoon or anniversary, he said, "Just sex in the Poconos, right?

Poke her in the Poconos! In another awkward moment, at "How to get her to stop talking during sex," one of the contestants said, "Choke her," causing his new wife to say, "Excuse me?

Sitting around the bar for Sexual Feud , I saw couples aged 25 to 75 yelling out answers: "Balls! There were even people in their twenties and thirties who seemed to be there without irony.

Here the Northeastern middle class, with everyone smelling like bubble bath and sandalwood, was united by its knowledge of popular erogenous zones—"the neck!

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